Give the gift of political discourse: 5 tips for political conversations with family

By Jennifer Wolowic, Naomi Perks, and Nicole Armos

Were you brought up in a home where you were told never to discuss politics, sex or religion at the dinner table, but you know that’s what makes for interesting dinner parties? We at SFU’s Morris J. Wosk Centre for Dialogue and our Strengthening Canadian Democracy Initiative agree with you. Not only does talking about issues that matter make the conversation more interesting, but research shows when we try to engage in political discourse– especially with those who hold beliefs that are different from ours– we are actually strengthening our democratic culture.

This holiday season, use our tips for political conversations with family and give the gift of political discourse. Not only will you build your own skills and gain a better understanding of Auntie Karen’s viewpoints; you'll discover the two of you actually share some common ground. And who knows, maybe she’ll finally share the secrets of her legendary holiday dessert.

Tip #1: Tell stories

Stories help create a welcoming tone for everyone to share their views and feel heard.

Rather than stating your opinion as fact and arguing with others until they see your side or storm away, talk about your experiences and how they relate to your thoughts. Be honest about how yours and other stories make you feel. By providing context and meaning to your position, you create opportunities for connection and empathy. Try saying things like,

• “I think this topic is important, let me tell you a story about the other day..."

• “I worry about this issue because...”

Tip #2: Channel your inner-Oprah

In line with sharing stories and asking questions, think about how Oprah became a legend by getting her guests to open up and share. By doing the same with your family about social or political issues, you give the gift of discussion, not debate. All stories are important and deserve to be told, not just the ones that you agree with. You don’t have to take the other person’s side. What you have to do is listen and look for a place of understanding.

One way to keep the conversation flowing is to tell folks you are "going to put on your facilitator (or Oprah) hat." Then paraphrase what you are hearing, ask probing questions, or seek clarification with phrases such as:

• “I think I hear you say….is that what you meant?”

• “When I listen to both of you, I hear some things in common... But are saying it in different ways.”

• “Let's hear from the others, does anyone else want to weigh in…?

We’re not going to lie, at times discussions around social and political issues can get heated, and that’s OK. To avoid this, think of yourself as a facilitator or a tv show host. If this idea makes you nervous, there is likely someone in your family who already plays this role—learn from them!

Tip 3# Hide the cell phones

Cellphones may allow us to feel closer to people when we aren’t near them. But when we are together in person, cellphones can hurt our in-person interactions.

Research shows that just having a cellphone visible­– even if it is upside down or off­– actually harms conversation. People are distracted, even if the phone isn’t asking for their attention. These negative impacts become more significant when talking about something meaningful.

Just having a cellphone visible in the room when you are having meaningful discussions with your relatives can hamper your ability to find common ground. Give your conversations a better chance for success by leaving your phone in another room and asking guests to follow suit!

Tip #4: Never say the words, “you’re wrong.”

As soon as you tell someone they are wrong, they are more likely to grab tight to that opinion and get defensive. Research shows telling someone they are incorrect is a great way to actually increase their commitment to their idea.

This holiday season, leave aside the arguing, convincing and advocating. Approach family time as a way to learn why members of your family think the way they do. Find what emotions are under the surface of their stories and name them. Try saying:

• “I can see how you would feel…”

• “What about what I am saying do you find frustrating? Can you tell me more about why?”

Acknowledging someone else’s perspective doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Their opinions might still feel wrong to you, but by encouraging others to elaborate on their opinions, you might learn something new. If you feel yourself wanting to argue, try repeating back to them what you think you heard and ask if it’s right. Often you will discover there is another layer to their thinking that you missed.

Tip #5: Don’t be afraid; conversation is a treasure hunt

Although you may hold opposite views on a topic, when you ask open-ended questions and give the other person a chance to answer, you may discover common ground.

When you keep the conversation about the issues and not about the person, you are also more likely to open yourself up to accepting other people’s perspectives. You may not win your relative over to your side of the issue, but you may find that you both end up with a better understanding of each other’s views and a new source of mutual respect.