Programming Languages
The following is an adaption of an article
which appeared in the November 2, 1984 edition of the
Waterloo mathNEWS.
Author unknown.
SIMPLE
Simple is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Programming Linguistic
Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover
College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it
impossible to write code with errors in it. The
statements are therefore confined to begin,
end, and stop. No matter
how you arrange the statements, you cannot make a syntax error.
Programs written in Simple do nothing useful. They thus achieve the
results of programs written in other languages without the
tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
SLOBOL
Slobol is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, Slobol compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to
pick the coffee.
VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in southern California's San Fernando
Valley, Valgol is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across
the industry.
Valgol commands include
really,
like,
well, and
y*know.
Variables are assigned with the
"=like" or "=totally" operators.
Other operators are the Californian Booleans,
"fersure" and
"noway".
Repetitions of code are handled in "for/sure" loops.
LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an "s" in the character set. Programmers must
substitute "th". Lithp is reputed to be useful
in prothething lithtth.
LAIDBACK
Historically, Valgol is a derivative of Laidback, which was
developed at the (now defunct) Marine County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computing Programming, as an alternative
to the intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in
hot tubs while they worked. Many mourn the demise
of Laidback as a gentle non-threatening language.
For example, Laidback responded to syntax errors with the
message
Sorry, man, I can't deal with that..
C-
This language is named for the grade received by its creator
when he submitted it as a project in a University
graduate programming class. C- is best described as a low level
programming language. In general, a program requires
more
C- statements than machine code instructions to execute a given task.
In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.
SARTRE
Named after the late existential philosopher, Sartre is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in Sartre have
no purpose; they just are. Thus Sartre programs are left to define
their own functions. Sartre programmers tend to be boring and depressed,
and are no fun at parties.
DOGO
Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training,
Dogo heralds a new era of computer literate pets. Dogo
commands include
sit,
stay,
heel, and
roll over.
An innovative feature of Dogo is "puppy graphics",
a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves deposits
as he travels across the screen.
LINGUA PROGRAMATICA
As a programmer who has frequently been frustrated by the
lack of flexibility of conventional high-level programming languages,
you will welcome
the recent completion of a new language that
promises to leave Pascal and others stumbling in its tailwind.
The new language is also called LATIN (not to be confused with the
natural language, Latin, with which it is, however, identical).
LATIN offers such conveniences as Roman numeral mode (for those
who are tired of trying to deal with clumsy
Arabic numbers), output to marble, and a sophisticated user interface
that features not just icons but also omens. The package includes complete
error detection and punishment. Program execution is rapid,
programmer execution is painfully slow.
The carefully written documentation is hand-copied on papyrus scrolls
by Egyptian slaves, and scans nicely. The language is
provided on a sturdy double-sided discus, designed for years of trouble-free use.
Most remarkable is the extensive unlimited warranty and free upgrade
policy only to expire
with the end of the Roman Empire.
Availability of LATIN is somewhat of a problem at present,
as the compiler is written not
in assembler, but
in an intermediate-level language called GREEK (G-code),
which has yet to be implemented on any microcomputer.
next |
previous |
parent