Para-Frays, or, The Writes of Passage
Humor in Philosophy
Compiled by
Norman Swartz.
Over the years, I have come across some passages in philosophical
writings that have tickled my funnybone. Sometimes the humor was
intentional, other times it was inadvertent (the product, simply,
of bad writing). In any case, here are a few of those paragraphs that
have amused me. I have not indicated which are deliberately clever
and which are simply unintentionally funny. Enjoy!
- G.E. Moore
And in order to point out to the reader what sorts of things
I mean by sense-data, I need only ask him to look at his own
right hand. If he does this he will be able to pick out
something (and unless he is seeing double, only one thing) with
regard to which he will see that it is, at first sight, a natural
view to take, that that thing is identical, not indeed, with his
whole right hand, but with that part of its surface which he is
actually seeing, but will also (on a little reflection) be able to
see that it is doubtful whether it can be identical with the part
of the surface of his hand in question. Things of the sort
(in a certain respect) of which this thing is, which he sees in
looking at his hand, and with regard to which he can understand
how some philosophers should have supposed it to be the part of
the surface of his hand which he is seeing, while others have
supposed that it can't be, are what I mean by sense-data.
[9, p. 218]
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- O.K. Bouwsma
And in order to point out to the reader what sorts of things
I mean by --------, I need only ask him to look at the cook's
right hand. If he does this he will be able to pick out
something with regard to which he will see that it is at first a
natural view to take, that that thing is identical not indeed
with the cook's whole right hand, but with that part of its
surface which he is actually (?) seeing but will also (on a
little inspection) be able to see that it is doubtful whether it
can be identical with the part of the hand in question. Things
of the sort of which this thing is, which he sees in looking at
the cook's hand, and with regard to which he can understand how
some kitchen visitors should have supposed it to be the part of
the surface of the cook's hand at which he was looking, while
others have supposed that it can't be, are what I mean by rubber
gloves. [2, p. 206]
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- Bertrand Russell
The reason why physics has ceased to look for causes is that, in
fact, there are no such things. The law of causality, I believe,
like much that passes muster among philosophers, is a relic of a
bygone age, surviving, like the monarchy, only because it is
erroneously supposed to do no harm. [12]
- Bertrand Russell
I remember the precise moment, one day in 1894, as I was walking
along Trinity Lane, when I saw in a flash (or thought I saw) that
the ontological argument is valid. I had gone out to buy a tin
of tobacco; on my way back, I suddenly threw it up in the air,
and exclaimed as I caught it: 'Great Scott, the ontological
argument is sound.' [11, p. 10]
- Anthony Quinton
There is no limit to the number of things that can be present at
a particular map-reference, provided that they occur there at
different times. Equally there is no limit to the number of
things that can be in existence at a particular moment of time,
provided that they are to be found at different places. But this
boundless promiscuity of positions in space and time considered
separately is replaced by the most rigorous propriety when they
are conjoined. A complete, that is to say spatial and
temporal, position is either monogamous or virginal,
ontologically speaking. [10, p. 17]
- Adolf Grünbaum
Contrary to Kant, the specific structural difference between the
right and left hands can be given a conceptual rather than
only a denotatively intuitive characterization as follows:
the group of Euclidean rigid motions is only a proper
sub-group of the group of length-preserving ("non-enlarging")
similarity mappings. For the determinant of the coefficients of
the particular linear transformations constituting the latter
type of similarity mappings must have either the value of +1 or
the value -1. But only those similarity transformations whose
determinant ("Jacobian") is +1 form the group of Euclidean rigid
motions, the remainder being the reflections whose
Jacobian is -1 and which include the case of Kant's
left and right hands. [4, pp. 331-2]
- R.D. Laing
One has then got to the position in which one cannot think
that one cannot think about what one cannot think about
because there is a rule against thinking about the X, and a rule
against thinking that there is a rule against thinking that one
must not think about not thinking about certain
things.
If certain things cannot be thought about: and among the
certain things that cannot be thought, is that there are certain
things that cannot be thought, including the aforementioned
thought, then: he who had complied with this calculus of
anti-thoughts will not be aware that he is not aware that he is
obeying a rule not to think that he is obeying a rule not to
think about X. So he is not aware of X and not aware he is not
aware of the rule against being not aware of X. By obeying a
rule not to realize he is obeying a rule, he will deny that there
is any rule he is obeying. [8, p. 42]
- David Kaplan
The present ending [of this paper] has been influenced by a
number of different persons, most significantly by Saul Kripke
and Charles Chastain. But they should not be held to blame for
it. Furth, who also read the penultimate version, is responsible
for any remaining deficiencies aside from Section IX about which
he is skeptical. [7, p. 112n1, parenthetical gloss added.]
- N.R. Hanson
Seeing is an experience. A retinal reaction is only a
physical state — a photochemical excitation. Physiologists have
not always appreciated the differences between experiences and
physical states. People, not their eyes, see. Cameras and
eye-balls, are blind. Attempts to locate within the organs of
sight (or within the neurological reticulum behind the eyes) some
nameable called 'seeing' may be dismissed. That Kepler and Tycho
do, or do not, see the same thing cannot be supported by
reference to the physical states of their retinas, optical nerves
or visual cortices: there is more to seeing than meets the
eyeball. [5, pp. 6-7]
- Michael A. Arbib
"Why not be a rock?" If sheer survival and long life is the goal,
what is superior to a rock? A rock has no problems, and even if,
at the end of billions of years, a convict comes along with a
sledge hammer and smashes the rock, at least it has a billion
years of just sitting, which far transcends the human three score
years and ten! So why aren't we all rocks? Unfortunately, earthly
chemicals took a "wrong turn" a few billion years ago ... Once
some moderately complex chemicals form, it is likely that they
will form aggregates that are autocatalytic: reactions occur in
which a chemical triggers the production of more chemicals like
itself. Once that epochal "mistake" had been made, there was no
turning back. [1, p. 62]
- Richard Taylor
One imagines that he is deeply, perpetually, unavoidably aware of
something he calls "I" or "me." The philosopher then baptizes
this thing his self or perhaps his mind, and the
theologian calls it his soul. It is, in any case,
something that is at the very heart of things, the very center of
reality, that about which the heavens and firmament revolve. But
should you not feel embarrassment go talk in such a way, or even
to play with such thoughts? As soon as you begin to try saying
anything whatever about this inner self, this central reality,
you find that you can say nothing at all. It seems to elude all
description. All you can do, apparently, is refer to it; you can
never say what is referred to, except by multiplying synonyms —
as if the piling of names upon names would somehow guarantee the
reality of the thing named! But as soon as even the least
description is attempted, you find that what is described is
indistinguishable from absolute nothingness. Then when you
realize that you began by fearing nothingness, that it was this
invincible nothingness that was making you miserable, driving you
toward madness; when you go back and review your thought and
feeling and find it leading to the most familiar thing
imaginable, you feel like a child caught making faces at itself
in the mirror. You feel like a child plunged into anxiety by a
skin blemish or ill-fitting pants, the absurdity is so
overwhelming. [13, p. 122]
- G.E. Moore
There exists at present a living human body, which is
my body. This body was born at a certain time in the
past, and has existed continuously ever since, though not without
undergoing changes; it was, for instance, much smaller when it
was born, and for some time afterwards, than it is now. Ever
since it was born, it has either been in contact with or not far
from the surface of the earth; and, at every moment since it was
born, there have also existed many other things, having shape and
size in three dimensions (in the same familiar sense in which it
has), from which it has been at various distances (in the
familiar sense in which it is now at a distance both from that
mantelpiece and from that bookcase, and at a greater distance
from the bookcase than it is from the mantelpiece); also there
have (very often, at all events) existed some other things of
this kind with which it was in contact (in the familiar
sense in which it is now in contact with the pen I am holding in
my right hand and with some of the clothes I am
wearing). <Note 1>
Among the things which
have, in this sense, formed part of its environment (i.e. have
been either in contact with it or at some distance from
it, however great) there have, at every moment since its
birth, been large numbers of other living human bodies, each of
which has, like it, (a) at some time been born, (b)
continued to exist from some time after birth, (c) been,
at every moment of its life after birth, either in contact with
or not far from the surface of the earth; and many of these
bodies have already died and ceased to exist. <Note 2>
[9, p. 194]
Note 1: There are 145(!!) words
in the just quoted sentence. — N.S.
Note 2: However, this next sentence contains a mere 101 words. — N.S.
- P.L. Heath
Nothing is an awe-inspiring yet essentially undigested
concept, highly esteemed by writers of a mystical or existential
tendency, but by most others regarded with anxiety, nausea, or
panic. Nobody seems to know how to deal with it (he would of
course), and plain persons generally are reported to have little
difficulty in saying, seeing, hearing, and doing nothing. ...
The friends of nothing may be divided into two distinct
though not exclusive classes: the know-nothings, who claim a
phenomenological acquaintance with nothing in particular, and the
fear-nothings, who, believing, with Macbeth, that "nothing is but
what is not," are thereby launched into dialectical encounter
with nullity in general. ...
If nothing whatsoever existed, there would be no problem and
no answer, and the anxieties even of existential philosophers
would be permanently laid to rest. Since they are not, there is
evidently nothing to worry about. But that itself should
be enough to keep an existentialist happy. Unless the solution
be, as some have suspected, that it is not nothing that has been
worrying them, but they who have been worrying it. [6]
- Martin Buber
An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language.
Independently, without needing co-operation of sounds and
gestures, most forcibly when they rely wholly on their glance,
the eyes express the mystery in its natural prison, the anxiety
of becoming. This condition of the mystery is known only by the
animal, it alone can disclose it to us — and this condition only
lets itself be disclosed, not fully revealed. The language in
which it is uttered is what it says — anxiety, the movement of
the creature between the realms of vegetable security and
spiritual venture. This language is the stammering of nature at
the first touch of spirit, before it yields to spirit's cosmic
venture that we call man. But no speech will ever repeat what
that stammering knows and can proclaim. [3, pp. 96-7]
Sources
- Arbib, Michael A., "The Likelihood of the Evolution of
Communicating Intelligences on Other Planets", in Interstellar
Communication: Scientific Perspectives edited by Cyril
Ponnamperuma and A.G.W. Cameron, Houghton Mifflin, Boston, 1974,
pp. 59-78.
- Bouwsma, O.K., "Moore's Theory of Sense-Data", in The
Philosophy of G.E. Moore, Vol. IV of The Library of Living
Philosophers, ed. P.A. Schilpp, Open Court Publishing, LaSalle,
Illinois, 1942, pp. 203-221.
- Buber, Martin, I and Thou, 2nd edition, translated by
Ronald Gregor Smith, Charles Scribner's Sons, New York,
1958.
- Grünbaum, Adolf, Philosophical Problems of Space and
Time,
Alfred A. Knopf, New York, 1963.
- Hanson, Norwood Russell, Patterns of Discovery,
Cambridge
University Press, 1961.
- Heath, P.L., "Nothing", in The Encyclopedia of
Philosophy,
vol. V, pp. 524-5, ed. Paul Edwards, Macmillan and The Free
Press, New York, 1967.
- Kaplan, David, "Quantifying In", in Words and Objections:
Essays on the work of W.V.O. Quine, ed. by D. Davidson and J.
Hintikka, D. Reidel Publishing Co., Dordrecht, 1969. Re-printed
in Reference and Modality, ed. by Leonard Linsky, Oxford
University, 1971. Page reference is to the latter
edition.
- Laing, R.D., The Politics of the Family, CBC
Publications,
Toronto, 1969.
- Moore, George Edward, "A Defence of Common Sense", in
Contemporary British Philosophy (2nd Series), ed. J.H.
Muirhead, George Allen and Unwin, London, 1924.
- Quinton, Anthony, The Nature of Things, Routledge &
Kegan Paul, London, 1973.
- Russell, Bertrand, "My Mental Development", in The
Philosophy of Bertrand Russell, ed. Paul Arthur Schilpp, (3rd edition),
Tudor Publishing Company, New York, 1951.
- -----------, "On the Notion of Cause", Proceedings of the
Aristotelian Society, vol. 13 (1912-13); and in Mysticism
and Logic (1st edition 1918; 2nd ed., 1929), ch. 9, pp.
180-208, Allen & Unwin, London.
- Taylor, Richard, Metaphysics, third edition,
Prentice-Hall, Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, 1983.
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